Monday, March 15, 2010

Darkness and Light

There are times in my life in which the darkness comes calling still. It's hard to admit but it happens. Recently it's been a battle of depression but something more sinister has come with it.

I have battled depression for most of my life, although as a teenager, I didn't really understand it. Now I am diagnosed, and though I wanted to fight this without medication, I feel as though I have to go back to the doctor, to go back to the medication. I sometimes wonder how that makes me look as a Christian, how others would perceive Christ in me, as a depressed man.

The turning point was just this last week. I actually had thoughts of suicide this time. Something that I abhor, something that my father did, and my mother attempted. I don't know where these thoughts came, I do know where they came from. And I am not scared, but startled that these thoughts have come to light. After all the years that I have told others that I had never entertained thoughts of suicide, that I thought it was the coward's way out, here I was, thinking about how much rope it would take, and was there a beam sturdy enough to hold my weight.

Then out of the darkness, a light came into my thoughts. I felt that I should contact those who know me right now, who know some of my most darkest secrets. I thought that I needed to contact them and ask them to pray for me at that moment. I didn't though. It was enough however, to have the suicidal thoughts leave and be replaced with thoughts of my friends, my brothers in Christ; those whom I know would not judge me for those thoughts.

I have slipped it seems into a silent solitary place, from which it is hard to climb out of. But it is a hole that can be climbed out of. It is a prison cell, a solitary confinement that the enemy wishes to keep me in, and I have to admit that I wonder at times why the enemy would even bother. I long to be like my Brothers in Christ that I know; on fire for Christ and full of joy! But I digress and I feel like I am rambling on like a madman at the moment.

I went back today and read Romans 8:28-30.

  • 28.
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
  • 29.
For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren ;
  • 30.
and these whom He predestined, He also called ; and these whom He called, He also justified ; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

As I read this, I felt like I was hit with that proverbial spiritual brick, as if the Holy Spirit smacked me upside the head. The words popped out and I saw them as if for the first time. Verse 29 hit me first.
  • Foreknew - from the Greek word proginōskō -- to know beforehand, that is, foresee
  • Predestined - from the Greek proorizō -- determine before, ordain, predestinate
  • Conformed to - from the Greek summorphos --conformed to, fashioned like unto
  • Image -- from the Greek eikōn -- representation, resemblance
Here I am reading that God knew before I did, knew before the founding of the earth, that I would surrender, that I would say yes to Him. And it was determined even before I knew it that I would be conformed to the likeness, the resemblance of Christ, of Jesus my Lord and Savior.

Then I went back to verse 28 and this stood out...
God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God

No matter what I battle, no matter what thoughts I may have placed in my head by the enemy, it will still all work out for good. I love God and I know this for a fact as I have read it in his word.
And then there was verse 30. What I love is again the verbs are all past tense. Predestined, Called, Justified, Glorified. To me anyway, this is one of those mysteries that I will eventually understand. These things have already happened to me, as best I understand the verses at this time.

So Devil, you may have your minions put the thoughts into my head at the darkest times I face, but God through the Holy Spirit indwelt in me, brings to the surface those things that I can hold onto, that I can cling to, that brings me back from your darkness. I may feel alone at times, but I know I am not and it is the one thing I must never forget.


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